The Worst Movie I've Ever Seen In My Life...

As a one-time movie buff, I haven't gotten a chance to see all the movies I would have liked to. However, I do know what I like and what I don't like. I don't often agree with movie critics think about good movies (Brokeback Mountain was not nearly as good as the critics made it out to be) and bad movies (for all of its faults, Resident Evil is one of the better video game-to-film adaptations to date).

This led me to a writing position with the now-defunct Test Pattern, which eventually morphed into the screenwriting resource website, Screenwriter's Voice (the webmasters Dayna Van Buskirk and Reg Seeton have moved onto other things and they no longer update the site). During my time with those sites, I have gotten to review movies by the handful, which include some really good ones and some really awful ones.

Somehow, this little gem managed to slip by my radar.

The eBay seller purchased a VHS copy of Emperor of the Bronx from a dollar store and is now trying to get rid of it. Starting at a whopping $0.01 (the item already has one bid on it), the seller is seriously taking a loss on it (although the $5 shipping charge seems a little bit suspect). On the plus side, the seller is extremely honest as to his opinion of the film and even admits why he bought it.

A quick look at the film's Internet Movie Database page indicates the star power behind this film. That is to say, not much. None of the actors starred in anything memorable in the past few years, although the director Joseph Mehri did co-produce on a few mainstream hits, such as Alex and Emma and The Whole Ten Yards.

This is a film that went direct-to-video, which leaves me questioning as to how this market can sustain itself, when these films are of such poor caliber that no one is going to want to watch them. Either that, or someone is is actually watching these things and they're buying them all. Or, they're bought and paid for by government agencies and used in torture methods.

Related Links:

Troma Entertainment: This is the official website for Troma, best known for their B-movie releases such as The Toxic Avenger and Tromeo and Juliet. The studio is best known for giving up-and-coming talents their first shot, including James Gunn (writer of Scooby Too: Monsters Unleashed and the upcoming Slither) and Marisa Tomei (who had a cameo in The Toxic Avenger). They're also the studio that released Emperor of the Bronx. Their website is a bit of a headache, as it forces you to listen to Calimari Safari's "Poultrygeist" until you navigate to a different point in the page. Not exactly the prettiest page either, but then, it's what you'd expect from the studio that puts out films like this.

The Internet Movie Database: An absolute necessity for any movie buff, it has comprehensive information and links on just about every movie imaginable. Functional and well designed, it contains message boards for discussing your favourite movies (although beware of the spoilers!), movie reviews (both professional and user submitted), and trivia. If there are any problems with the site, it's that the bulk of the information is user-submitted, and therefore subject to inaccuracies.

THE WORST AUCTION OF ALL EBAY

I don't know what's worse: the fact that someone is auctioning off something regurgitated by their pet, or the fact that someone already put a bid on it. One thing is for certain, though: the seller was not kidding when he billed this "The Worst Auction of All eBay."

According to the site, the dog's owner discovered a regurgitated dog toy belonging to his other dog. He is selling the toy (cleaned up, thankfully), along with photos of his dogs. Proceeds will go to buy a larger toy for his dog, as well trips to the veteranarian.

While his devotion to his pet is admirable, I really can't say anything more about this auction, except, EWWWWWW.

Related links:

PetSmart.com: A large retailer of pet supplies (food, acquariums, books, etc.), they offer many items online and in store. This is a comprehensive site which offers just about everything one would need for their pet, is fairly well designed, although may be a little bit intimidating for those who are new to the 'net. Their store locator is a bit of a pain and is hard to read, especially if you're trying to find a location in the Lower Mainland area (the little dots that represent store locations are really little).

SPCA: Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (BC branch): This site a bit of a headache to read and attempts to cram way too much information into a single page. The navigation bar certainly helps, although the webmaster could have stood to make the fonts a little bit bigger and more readable.

Discover How to Beat the Gas Pump Monster - Save Money

Due to tensions in the middle east, increased demand around the world, and the fact that we're on the verge of running out, conventional oil is being pushed towards the dreaded $100/barrel mark. Most people don't seem to realize how deeply ingrained crude oil is towards our lives (food production, plastics, healthcare) and are only worried by how much it ends up costing when filling up.

So, available for a low-low-LOW price of $4.95 USD is 62 Ways to Beat the Gas Pump Monster!, an e-Book available by .PDF, which promises useful hints on how to lower your gas costs.

These days, $4.95 doesn't buy that much gas, but considering that a lot of the tips the writer is offering are already common knowledge, I'd rather be spending that money on gas. By now, we pretty much all know that rough accelleration and braking, unnecessary weight, idling, cold weather, car maintenance, tire pressure, cold weather, and stop and go driving all have an effect on fuel efficiency. But you don't need $4.95 for that...just Google it.

However, that isn't what makes this particular eBay auction bizarre. The fact that the eBayer used a picture of a woman in a thong bending over to attract potential customers is.

Related links:

10 Ways to Lower the Cost of Driving: This has a little more legitimacy for me than some unknown eBayer, as it's written by the fine folks at Consumer Reports. Hosted by Yahoo.com, the site is readable, professionally designed, and comprehensive.

Life After the Oil Crash: Matt Savinar runs this blog that deals with the long-term consequences of permanent oil depletion. This is really scary stuff, as it talks about everything from government control, environmental degredation, and the socio-economic impact, all of which Savinar predicts we'll be seeing really soon. A fairly readable site and easy to navigate, but expect to NOT sleep after reading it.

Not quite Jordan's silicon breast implants

If this isn't illegal, it should be.

One enterprising eBayer is selling a set of used breast implants on eBay. Never mind the fact that this is completely disgusting and probably immoral, but what the is the average sane person person going to do with these things once they receive them in the mail? They're no longer sterile, so they're not suitable for re-implantation. However, it might make for an interesting paperweight. A real conversation piece. Or, a real conversation stopper.

The eBayer in question doesn't exactly have the best grammar and spelling (there is at least one run-on sentence and the writer uses the word "loose" instead of "lose"), which really makes me question the validity of this auction. In addition, the eBayer hasn't even posted photos of "herself" (the eBayer's user name is "mikeblues101", although admittedly, picking a male pseudonym may be used to avoid unwanted comments), instead using a photo of Katie "Jordan" Price, who is doing the same thing.

According to the auction page, the eBayer is modelling "her" auction off of a similar stunt by the said former Page 3 Girl who retired her status after extensive plastic surgery (models who appear in The Sun tabloid must be silicone and saline free). Price is best known for her outrageous antics, constantly chronicled in the UK tabloids, although she remains relatively unknown in North America (except for regular readers of Playboy magazine), but she is retiring her "Jordan" persona (she uses that pseudonym when modelling), having given birth to two children. As part of the reinvention of herself, she's having her breast implants removed and she's having the proceeds from the eBay sale donated to charity.

This goes to show...while some people will buy anything, there are a number of people who'd be willing to sell a lot more than just that. Or, at least put up an eBay page about it.

related links:

Jordan's official fanclub website (WARNING/PROMISE: contains adult content). The official website for Katie "Jordan" Price requires you to part with your credit card number and some personal information before granting access to all the material (although promises that will only cost 50p per week). The site is fairly easy to navigate and is professionally designed, although it is only useful for people who are into that sort of stuff. However, without membership, you are able to buy merchandise whether it be posters or signed magazines. The most amusing piece of merchandise from the site is a novelty breast-shaped stress ball.

Awful Plastic Surgery. This is a blog that chronicles the plights of the rich and famous and what they do to their bodies. Divided into helpful categories such as "Bad Boob Job," "Scary Celebrities," and "Oops, I Messed Up My Face," it serves as a cautionary tale as to the consequences of the attempt to find the perfect body and face. Some of it is really scary as it shows what happens when things go really wrong. As it doesn't advertise a specific product, to ensure continued bandwidth, the site owner allowed "Ads by Google" on the site. However, given that the ads are based on keywords featured in the text, all of these ads are for plastic surgery, which is odd, considering the overall anti-plastic surgery mandate that the site appears to take.